I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
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*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!