When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
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Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Perfect.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Me too door. Me too.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Hell yeah 👍
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.