If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Never ghost your hitman.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery