Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
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Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”