If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I came this close!!!!
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
#parenting
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.