middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
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Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books