Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
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[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Current mood: Potato
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Pandas 🐼🖤
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room