I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
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I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
back to work
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.