First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
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Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”