Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
You Might Also Like
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
buys donuts instead
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.