Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
who wore it better?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…