stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
is this a threat
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had