I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.