[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
awkward
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.