CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I am also baked goods
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*