I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
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Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”