Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
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The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses