In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
March 16
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub