Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
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My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Introverted vegans go meetless
called in thicc to work this morning
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom