The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
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i’m having this made into a welcome mat
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
goldfish mafia
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
LA today:
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
HERE’S MARKY
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look