As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
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My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
When news reporters do sports stories
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”