*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
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Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.