I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
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Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”