Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop