It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
two people or more is called a problem
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body