Feels like there should be a middle ground
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PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
some Old Testament wisdom
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.