My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
You saw nothing. I am ham.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station