[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
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Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.