If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
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My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Life cycle of cat
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.