If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
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Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are