I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
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[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
#Thanos #MondayMood
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I wish I were this cool 😂
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.