Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
You Might Also Like
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Just had my nails done!
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Is….Is this an option?
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.