My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
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I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
*pokes sex life with a stick
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.