Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
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Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
PLOT TWIST:
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders