I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
You Might Also Like
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
mom had nothing to worry about
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either