Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
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Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Kids: Stay in school.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.