Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Morning my dudes.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her