Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
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I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”