Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I like crazy people until they notice me
“our sushi is very fresh”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
wow
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself