The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.