When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.