wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
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Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
They’re called werewolves.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.