ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
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[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.