How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
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Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.