I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
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I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
u spoke cat all this time??????
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
fr
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I will never stop laughing at this
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice