The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
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Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle