If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
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3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”