At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
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[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.