When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
They’re the worst 😩
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.