Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
You Might Also Like
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.